Didn't expect to break what I last said.
It has been over a year since then. The resentment took this long to subside.
Seeing a reply on a friend's wall post made me thought about myself, and it made me reflected deeply on myself one day when I was on the way home.
Rather than be in control of my emotions, I had let my emotions get a hold on me many a times. Most strongly in '04 and '05, ended up lashing out at you for something stupid. It was ridiculously frustrating to not have SMSes answered when I just wanted to start small talk or after replying when asking for your PoV regarding that matter about 1 of my recruit having very much trouble trying to cope with BMT. Then somehow it came back again last year (the post before this) and that was the last straw, as the resentment was overbearing - made me really not wanting to have anything to do with you.
As mentioned, somehow all it took was just that 1 post on Facebook to make me reflected on myself - which brings me forth to writing this post.
Because of everything, I must have come across as giving a very bad impression of myself. I failed to keep a check on my emotions and done very stupid things. Things which was never your fault to begin with - and still you decided to be the better person by apologising, and by behaving rashly, must have caused you want to get away from me out of fear or something. For everything I have done, I am sorry to have caused you all these troubles for so many years. I became a person that I did not want to have become towards you.
Even having said that however, I believe the damage I had done is too great that it is irreversible. Ultimately I believe our ties is best kept this way so that we can move on.
If you have read this post (I hope you know who you are), all I ask for is your forgiveness and a discrete acknowledge somehow.
My mind and heart is now at peace. Let this blog remain a lesson for myself to remind myself to keep myself in line.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Looking back these past 6 years, there has been many ups and many, lots of fluctuation, my mood swings, especially that 1 time, which up till today, I regret. Most important of all, my failure to matter more to you than before. If anything, it has reduced to a weak pulse, which just refuses to die. Each time I tried to kill it, I thought it will be gone for good, but no matter what, it will somehow crawl back to my heart, no matter how long it takes, be it days, weeks, even months. Longest I have managed to kill that feeling and distance myself away from thinking of you is for 9 months, but then eventually it got to me again, just like a child who takes his toys for granted. throwing it away, only to want it back again.
But it has been too long. I need to move on. My heart has sort of been living in the past for the past 6 years, every attempt to forget/replace you in my heart just thwarted with little effort, regardless of the cause. But I can't... I just can't...
These past 6 years has also already dried up my well of tears - I can no longer cry even if I wanted to. The ability to feel emotional hurt is long gone, unsure whether if it will ever return. It is torturous that there is no way out of this and having to accumulate this strain my heart.
Perhaps I have been living a life of denial. I'm certain that I will never matter any more than how things has been all these years, stagnant. Closest I have gotten to is probably being at the back of your mind. Even then, this bit will continue to shrink as life goes on. I am glad, however, that you are living your life well and to the fullest.
I'm not surprised though, you have enough suitors to wrap around the world twice, and me? I am and probably will be nothing more than the unpopular guy who's always viewed at disgustingly like an abomination that should never have existed in the first place. Just like the saying "Toad going after a Swan's flesh." Don't think that is true? My primary/secondary school life says otherwise.
How do I move on? Do I have to do something to make you scorn me, in order to force myself to put this to its long-due eternal rest? Do I have to completely cut off all forms of communications from you? This weakly burning candle flame needs to be put out, and then put down, for good.
If I manage to pull this off, there will never be any attempts of me breaking your peace or your friends', and this will be my final goodbye to you. I am thankful for all the things you have helped me, and I can only hope that I have helped you enough, if not more than so. Congratulations for being the only person to steal my heart for such a long period of time.
This is my final post on this blog, not going to touch it for years to come.
But it has been too long. I need to move on. My heart has sort of been living in the past for the past 6 years, every attempt to forget/replace you in my heart just thwarted with little effort, regardless of the cause. But I can't... I just can't...
These past 6 years has also already dried up my well of tears - I can no longer cry even if I wanted to. The ability to feel emotional hurt is long gone, unsure whether if it will ever return. It is torturous that there is no way out of this and having to accumulate this strain my heart.
Perhaps I have been living a life of denial. I'm certain that I will never matter any more than how things has been all these years, stagnant. Closest I have gotten to is probably being at the back of your mind. Even then, this bit will continue to shrink as life goes on. I am glad, however, that you are living your life well and to the fullest.
I'm not surprised though, you have enough suitors to wrap around the world twice, and me? I am and probably will be nothing more than the unpopular guy who's always viewed at disgustingly like an abomination that should never have existed in the first place. Just like the saying "Toad going after a Swan's flesh." Don't think that is true? My primary/secondary school life says otherwise.
How do I move on? Do I have to do something to make you scorn me, in order to force myself to put this to its long-due eternal rest? Do I have to completely cut off all forms of communications from you? This weakly burning candle flame needs to be put out, and then put down, for good.
If I manage to pull this off, there will never be any attempts of me breaking your peace or your friends', and this will be my final goodbye to you. I am thankful for all the things you have helped me, and I can only hope that I have helped you enough, if not more than so. Congratulations for being the only person to steal my heart for such a long period of time.
This is my final post on this blog, not going to touch it for years to come.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
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